Monday 12/23/96
Hey, hey, hey! How goes it? Thought so......But, enough about you, on to me!!
I guess it's been awhile since the last entry. A lot has happened, but nothing really has happened. I could tell you all about the stupid things my friends do. All the stupid things my family does. And all the stupid things I do. But that isn't all that interesting. So I'll just get the stupid things that go on in this little space we call reality.
Can you get over all the fucked up hype there is about these dumb-ass "Tickle me Elmo" dolls? I looked in the paper yesterday and there was a full page of "for sale" ads for the stupid thing. Over 150 of them, all priced between $500 and $2000. JUST WAIT TILL BOXING DAY FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!!! Toys'r'Us will have a huge stock of them then. Parents can be so fucking screwed sometimes. I mean, if you've raised your child in a way that they value the "latest thing" on TV to the point that their world would end if they didn't get it and couldn't wait one more day for it, and YOU would pay in upwards of $500 for one to please your kid.....YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING A PARENT. I am not speaking as someone who doesn't understand parenting. I have a fair amount of experience with children. (don't get the wrong idea ..you sick people!) Parenting is not easy, but there is no excuse for being stupid.
I have another message to a group of people I have mentioned things about here before, here it is.......
LIFE IS NOT A SOAP OPERA, get over it, and grow up.
And if you don't like my opinion, well, there's a warning up above, don't you read? Fine, I got that out of the way. Not that I expect any of them to listen, but I had to say it anyways.
If I get back even half as much as I spent on other people this Christmas, then I am going to take in a big haul this year. Doubt it though. I must be getting old, I actually enjoy giving more than getting. Scary. I think a drinking binge might clear up this little character flaw!! :)
For those of you who trade bootlegs, check out my list. I've gotten a bunch more since the start of December. I'm open to all trades. Just send 'em over.
The Pearl Jam Creative section of the Surf Central is about to be deep six'd. I haven't bothered to post all the writings I have, and I just don't feel like doing it. So it's going to be taken off. But in it's place, I am putting up an X-FILES subsection. I have almost half of it coded, and should be done after Christmas. It's gonna be great. Check back soon for it.
A strange thing happened yesterday. I was over at my girlfriend's house. And I was staring at the TV (35 inch Sony, it's sooo nice and big!), and a cartoon came on that I had seen way back when I was small. All of a sudden, I started remembering all the things about the last time I saw the cartoon, which was like over 8 years ago. Everything, from tastes to smells to what I was wearing. It was so weird. Then when I walked upstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water, I opened the fridge and put my head in, I heard my grandmother's voice asking for a glass of water too. The thing is, my grandmother that I heard, has been dead for over 6-7 years. I immediately put my head up and looked about. No one else was in the kitchen and I asked every one downstairs if they had said something or asked for a glass. No one did. I don't get it. I missed the last half of the movie I was watching because it freaked me out so much. (FARGO, if you're wondering what movie) Weird. I still don't get it.
I've fallen in love with Starbucks hot chocolate. I absolutely can't go more than a day without it. It's sick. I finally snap the 2 Slurpees a day habit, and now this. I CAN"T STAND IT. I'm going to die before I'm 30 at this rate. Oops, shouldn't have done that. I get kinda superstitous about talking about my own death. Does anyone else do this? I hate it. When I was small I tried to image "nothingness", like as if you were dead. Like nothing, just try it now. Imagine feeling nothing. Not nothing as something, but feel nothing as if it was nothing. I get cold shivers still doing it. Ack!
Gift choosing for your signifigant other is really hard. This year it wasn't so bad. I happened to remember something she said months ago, and did that. It's a really good idea too. I'm not going to say what though, haha! But in general. It is difficult. I will never buy jewelry, or clothing. That is way to easy. Put some thought into it. Man did I spend a lot this year. Shit! I hate not having money. At least I feel a little bit Christmasy about it. Well, that's about all for now.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!
Friday 12/6/96
This school thing is kinda hitting some snags. I paid my non-refundable deposit for registration access over a week ago. I was scheduled to register for classes on wednesday. It's now friday, and they still have not processed my cheque. Therefore I can not access the system. Thus I am without classes untill they get off their ass's and process the cheque. It sucks, I am not going to get any of the classes I want. Or the times I need. Fuck! I played basketball twice today. I have come to the realization that it is not a good idea to play without eating or stretching beforehand. Not good I say, not good. On the bright side, umm.....I have to find one, hold on a sec........it's christmas? Hmm, not the best attempt at brightening the mood, but who cares.
I formatted my C-drive and re-installed everything from scratch again. PAIN IN THE ASS. Go figure. Just deleting everything and then re-installing everything would take a week. Major problems. Picked up a virus in my boot logs. Scandisk picked up damage on D-drive. Then I lost my Dos and Windows backups. Nothing but problems. Again, on the bright side....everything is working now.
Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think that things are heading on a downward slide, you surprise yourself and kick things back into gear. Things happen. Good and bad. Just roll with the punches. It all comes to hilt sometime in your life and hopefully you'll be ahead of the game.
I think I'm going to go to bed soon. I need to start to take better care of myself. I am a wonder at caring for other people. But I flat-out suck at keeping myself mentally and physically healthy. Bub-bye......
Friday 11/29/96
It is 5:55am. I have not gone to sleep yet. I am demented. This is just plain stupid. I don't know why I do this. The past week I haven't gone to sleep any earlier than 4:30am. I've stayed up reading 3 nights till 6am, 2 playing computer till 5am. I am seriously fucked up. If people knew this, then they wouldn't bug the shit out of by saying I sleep all day. Even if I sleep 6 hours, it's still noon. Fuck! This sucks.
Well, I paid my deposit on school fees today. $120 that I don't actually have. This means basically that if I don't register for anything, then I lose $120 bucks. Luckily, I want to get back to school anyways.
You know when you start to like something you don't want to lose it. Then when you become attached to it and it turns into something you love, you REALLY don't want to lose it? Can that happen with people too? Does your fear of losing something grow in parallel to the value of it within your life. Like, does it almost become an "object" as opposed to a "person". That, I think is when people start to get possessive. Guys are generally really bad at this. Once they hit this point they can't think of the other person as a "human" anymore. I have negleted to use the word "us" or "me" in this disscussion because I don't do this. But I have noticed that people do do it. Quite a few people in fact. I could elaborate, but I'm not going to.
Familiarity breeds Comfort, Comfort breeds Assumption. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. (guys, take note of this)
I highly recommend anything written by "Douglas Coupland", he is an amazing writer. I've read two of his books now (Microserfs and Generation X) and I loved both. He is so in touch with the culture of the 90's and the way we (anyone under 30) all see the world nowadays that it makes his work something I can identify with, and relate to. Much like how the music of Pearl Jam does. Just different mediums of communication.
I'm going to backtrack a little, up about two paragraphs. Some people might take some serious offence to the following commentary. But to clairify, I don't mean to rag on anybody or embarass anyone. It's just the shit that goes through my head. Certain events trigger or inspire me to write about certain things. I am not in anyway commenting on specific events, just generalized ideas or theories I notice or come up with. (that was like a fucking disclaimer for christ's sake, like at the start of rent-a-movies "...can not be reproduced, rebroadcasted, or retransmitted..." blah, blah, blah.....) Here we go....
Why is it that some people in this world cannot control their emotions and tempers? Take for instance, Anti-abortion protesters. Zero control of their emotions and tempers. Those people, whether I agree with them or not (nope), cannot make any progress for their stance until they chill out and open their mind to other peoples views and opinions. Another example (and this is the one I was talking about above), jealousy. In relationships or other means, some people just cannot think straight when fuelled by emotions of jealousy. Quite often to the point of physical violence. Think of all the "domestic" violence you see in the news these days. It's sick. Husbands beating the shit out of their wives for no good reason. Shit like that. Quite often the theory "If I can't have you, then no one can" surfaces in cases like these. That is pure crap. Anyone who cannot control their emotions enough to not hurt someone, especially someone they love or care for, needs help. Anything from a simple sit down talk-to full-fleged councilling. (this isn't directed at anyone, it isn't a hint or suggestion to anyone, this isn't derived from recent events, just to clear itup one more time). I sound like a god-damn preacher here, but I don't give a fuck all that much. It's 6:33am, so fuck off to the world!
Ok, I probably really offended people there. But I didn't mean to. I just had to vent somewhere, and this is where I do it. Blah!
Have you ever noticed how stupid some things you've done when you were a kid were? Some decisions or events or whatever that are eternally engraved into your childhood, were just plain dumb? Like, say freaking out and refusing to "kiss" a big plastic doll in GYM class so you could learn CPR. Or maybe, not paying attention in "Mechanics" class, so that now you can't even figure out how your car works? Lets see, maybe you didn't talk to the "nerds" in school, but now they run the world and remember that you treated them like shit. (I talked to them, so I don't have to worry. I even laughed at one's jokes once too). How 'bout this one, not saving $25 for every paycheck you got from your measily part-time job through Junior/High school, so that nowyou would have enough money to say.....invest in real-estate or something. These aren't regrets, most of them don't even apply to me, but I had a bunch of stuff buzzing around my head the past week. There ya go.
I think I'm going to go to bed now. It is now 7:01am. I have officially stayed up till tommorrow (today, now). I'm going to hurt for this later. Bye for now.....
Tuesday 11/19/96
Have you ever actually listened to another persons heartbeat? Really, not like some romantic lovey-dovey mushy thing, but actually listened to it? When you have, has your own heart and breathing pace slowed or quickened to match the one you're listening to? I find it really surprising just how comforting and calming it is. It puts you to sleep.
Ok, that must have thrown a few of you off. Take a drink guys, it's not that big a deal. I think that is what love is. Both metaphorically AND physically.......When your Heart is running at the same pace as your signifigant other. When your heart is in time with that other person.
Just a theory, get over it.
I had a whole entry already written about this, but I made it up in my head and didn't write it down at the time. So now it's only in pieces as I typed it out. I need a laptop for this stuff. I seem to be inspired at the strangest times and places these days.
Drew (my younger, less creative and rather nieve brother) got a pager today. He hasn't come home yet so I haven't had a chance to tell him how dumb he is. I have one, but that's because I'm hard to track down. Drew is just.....I don't know. He's just a pot-smoking, near-dropout, gas-station jockey. It's hard as hell to watch him sink lower and lower. But I've done pretty much all I can. My parents seem to think he is this little angel child that just seems to get involved with the wrong people. I wish they would stop it. He is in grade 12, he is not a total moron. He is not a child, he is not a baby. He just acts like one. He is responsible for his actions. I was whe I was his age, he should be too. Same as far as the law goes. If you're old enough to do the crime, you're old enough to do the time. I'm probably going to ruffle a few feathers with that one, but I don't care. My opinions are my own.
I voted again on saturday. Civic, local one. If I get any flack about it like last time, I'm going to kill somebody. Last time I voted, I mentioned it to friends, and they made jokes about it, and brushed it off like "who cares" kinda attitude. How can you complain about the way things are, how can you have any credibility in a discussion about politics etc. if you didn't have the right mind to VOTE. If you don't state your opinion, then you don't have one. Plain and simple. And for young people not to vote is ridiculous. Who relies on the government more? Who's future will the next few years of government affect the most? Ours! That's who! It doesn't matter if you "Don't do politics" or whatever dumb-ass excuse you use, you don't have a right to an opinion if you don't recognize the fact that you have one. And the way you do that is to VOTE.
Simple.
I'm hungry, and I'm tired. I'm leaving now. Bye.
Monday 11/18/96
Wow, A big ten days since you last heard from me. A lot has happened, and nothing has happened. Weird how things look sometimes. Anyhow, On to me for once. (hmm, I like the way that sounds actually)......
I got a job last Wednesday. It paid $9.55/hour. It was full time. It was easy. Then I quit less than 12 hours later. It was also 6 days a week and the shifts I had to choose from were midnight-8:30am or 4am-noon. Would you take a job like that? I didn't think so. I had to get my ass up and show up for the first shift and promptly tell the supervisor that I couldn't take the job. (I lied why though :) I said I took another job) That was interesting. But the hardest part was the fact that I felt like shit telling my parents and and a few other people that I had told about what I had just done. They had all been so excited for me and congratulated me etc. It made me feel great to see them like that.. Then I had to do the complete opposite and not take it. I was a wreck for a day or too. I think it was just a small part of what made me have a mental breakdown, but it was the breaking point I guess.......
I'm better now though. Despite playing the worst game in over two years, we won our first game in two years for Kwantlen B-ball. We actually beat a team that we should have beat. It hasn't sunk in yet, but I suppose it feels good. It would probably feel better if I had played even half decently, but hey......I'm not perfect.
I split my eye open too. About a 3/4 inch slice right above my eye-lid. Big bruise, and it's ugly. Most likely a scar. Ain't sports fun??????
Do any of you have any idea how bad TV gets after 2am????? It is the haven for all those films that don't qualify for "straight-to-video" status. And the infomercials?????? Good god man, there's only so many ways you can market a long, bent tube of aluminum. But they seem to come up with a different one ever night.........ab-flex........ab-dominizer........it never ends! And how 'bout those "Blu-Blockers"?? THEY'RE JUST SUNGLASSES DAMN IT!!!! Get a brain for christ's sake! Any body that is awake at 2 or 3am isn't awake when it sunny out side, SO WHY DO THEY NEED SUNGLASSES????? What marketing class did these people go to??? Either their teacher was an insomniac, or the company hasn't exactly figured out their target market yet! Either way, it's stupid!!!!!
I have another gripe. I have noticed in my surfings through the web that there are actually a fair amount of these "journal" type pages. Which is great, rather voyuristic....but basically a good thing. My gripe is, that there are people doing this who have no writing skills what so ever. I have come across two or three sites in which the entries are right out of a kindergarden story book, minus the grammer skills. One such page is such a piece of boring cliche'd shit (actually found on this very server, e-mail me for the address) that I check it just to keep up on the progress of this neanderthal's life. The point of writing in a diary or journal, or posting things like this is to express what is going through your mind and to give a glimpse of how your brain works. These rogue pages are full of entries that are barely comprehensible, full of spelling and grammer mistakes, and totally lacking of honesty or feeling. When you make something up to please anyone but yourself, it loses it's passion and honesty. It can be easily seen-through, even over the web. Words are a powerful tool, only the skilled can use them without thought. I have though, come across some really great sites that make me laugh till I burst a kidney and cry till my eyes dry out. Here are a couple:
And that's just a few of them, there are a lot of other great sites. Just keep looking.
Well, it's late and I do have to get some sleep sometime, so I figure now is as good a time as any, so I'll talk to ya all later.......bye!
Friday 11/8/96
It is now 3:08am. I am entirely too tired. I should be asleep.
I spilled my Slurpee in my car today and I think if I had had anyone else with me....well, I probably would have killed them. How do you get Slurpee out of carseat carpet??? I see a problem here.
Why do stupid people have important jobs. Dumbass idiots make too much money.
Speaking of lost causes, here is something that completely floored me. Somebody explain to me how JESSIE HELMS can be elected to office for 23 years. If there is any one thing in the world that throws me for loop, it is that. There are actually people in the western world who agree with a man who most closely resembles a modern day Adolf Hitler with a mean streak. I just don't understand.
I have too many CD's. Yet I still can't find anything to listen to.
I'm finally going to bartending school. It's calle dthe "Fine Art School of Bartending". I talked to the guy there three times today and he seemed really euthusiastic. It's good that he can make it fun.
If you are a returning visitor to my pages, then you've probably noticed the changes around here. First, I put in frames. Then, I improved the colours and continuity throught he whole site. I then added sound to the mix, giving the place a nice ambiance. Finally I added image maps, instead of dumb looking generic links. I should be streamlining the source code soon to speed things up a little. As well as adding a new section of creative writing stuff. Till next time......
Sunday 11/4/96
I think I just had a really bad week. That's basically what it was. Never fear, I am back to normal, or at least as close to it as I was before. I played really well today. Very few turnovers, high shooting percentage, lots of assists, good control and I outplayed my check. Yes, I do still love basketball, I was just venting the other day.
Hopefully I'll have a job by the end of this week. I'll be wearing a shirt & tie tommorrow.....there's a frightening mental picture!
Good goes with bad. I have to remember that. Life is never only good. You have to put up with a few days of crap every once in a while. I learned that this weekend. I'm so used to life being so hunky-doory, that when I get in a funk I tend to think the world is crashing down around me. Luckily it doesn't really do that.........it would take too long to clean up.
Once I get a job here are the things I'm going to do with the money:
So there you have it, my expense list. I can spend money I don't even have yet. It's so simple to do. Just try. I'd have half of that if my Visa card wasn't maxed out. Of course, it's been that way ever since I last went to Seattle. Go figure.
And last but not least.......The Pearl Jam radio concert kicked ass! (But the show I went to was better.....)
Later All
Friday 11/1/96
Well, yesterday sucked. It was just a really bad day for me I guess. Today was much better. I woke up (before noon too!) and played ball for about 2½ hours. Then came home, surfed, read a little, and showered. Then I went to the season opener Grizzlies game with Krista (girlfriend for all you nosey people). Then "chilled" with her for a while. Now I'm home telling you all about it. Exciting huh?? Not for you maybe.
I better play well on Sunday. I've played crappy both games this season, but ended up with 14 and 18 points respectively. I'd like to see me play well and do that. No more bombing 3's in the last half of the game. It's not right. I end up looking like Steve (haha).
Have you ever noticed that if you are in a mental state unlike your normal one, that you start hearing songs on the radio that are similar to that of your brain condition. As in if you are feeling sort of lost and hopeless, you hear INDIFFERENCE by PEARL JAM. Or you're lonely and you hear.....well ok, any R&B song. Boyz2Men must be pathetically depressed to write all that crappy shit music. Nevermind.
I'm going to take my Bartending Training soon. I found someone to take it with, who will actually do it.
I feel Alive today. Really "with-it". Polar opposite to yesterday.
I think it's because I've had 2 Slurpees. And can breathe too.
I get paraniod too easily. Good thing I have a brain to calm that down. It comes in handy every once in a while. Not very often, but it does. Few people know it, but I do. Till next time, bye.
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Last Updated: January 8th 1997