August 28th, Year 2000
Well, I am married now. Just over a month ago. Kinda neat. Thanks to everyone who came. There will be a Wedding section sooner or later on the website. I've just got to get around to it!
The Wild Painting section is almost ready as well. Look for it soon. I'll probably enter a lengthy post or too in the next few days, I've been sickningly busy, and tired lately. but look for it soon!
S.
May 21st, Year 2000
Whenever I say I have lots to say, I don't really. I pretty much sit down and type, and if lots comes out....great, if not, well.....it doesn't . Today though I do have some stuff to talk about. Here goes......
I was in a car accident yesterday. I was come arouind the exit loop of the Lion's Gate bridge into West Vancouver. I was doing about 40-45 km/hr (slow for me!!!!) And I hit a slippery spot, and hydro-plained into the concrete barrier. The side of my car is all scraped to hell, the front left wheel is bent, tilted and ruined. My front suspension is shot. Alignment is blown. Struts and shocks are toast. PLus body work on the front bumper, front left corner panel, and left side door panel. $2000 minimum. MINIMUM. Plus I'm at fault becouse it's a "non-comprehensive" accident. As in even though I did nothing wrong, no speeding, driving safely, carefully, I lose 30% safe driver discount. That equals $1500 over the next three years in extra insurance I have to pay, all because of a stupid fucking puddle!!!!!!
God-damn rainy weather.
Anyhow, Pearl Jam's new album BINURAL is awsome. It took two listens for me to get a good feel for it. But it just rocks.
I want to move to my new place now. NOW. Not middle of June. But, like, tommorrow. I am tired of this place we're in now. It's too small to keep clean and tidy. We have no room for anything. And I really hate the commute everyday. It's beginning to take it's toll on me. It takes me an hour to get to work in the morning. And then another hour at night to get back. Sucks.
I'm bored, so good night......
S.
May 11th, Year 2000
Lots of stuff to talk about tonight. Don't know if I'll get to it all, But we'll try won't we!! Here we go....
Pearl Jam played the Commadore Ballroom tonight. I tried REAL hard to get tix, but alas, it wasn't my time. I would have killed for a chance to go, but there just wasn't an opportunity. New album comes out on Tuesday. C-Fox is broadcasting an album preview, as well as a bunch of taped interviews from tonights show, on Monday. The timing of new PJ albums is always funny to me. They always seem to come out when I am in need of some soul-searching, or spiritual "re-fueling". Yield was released just days after Krista and I broke up. And boy did it help me. Music has always been the easiest and best method for me to step back and re-coupe my self. Good stuff.
I'm listening to the new Kenny Rogers CD. Just shoot me.
I secretly have a collection of books that I credit my recent (as in the last 3-4 years) getting my "shit togetherness" and understanding of myself and my place in the world. I've gone through some major changes the past few years, and I couldn't try to explain them to anybody, but I am very much in tune with myself and all that is around me. For the first time I'd like to share my collection with everyone. These authors, and books, all helped me along. Here they are:
Daniel Quinn- Ishmael, Providence, The Story of B, My Ishmael, Beyond Civilization
Robert M. Pirsig- Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,
James Redfield- The Celestine Prophecy, The Tenth Insight, The Celestine Vision,
Sokei An- The Zen Eye
Deepak Chopra- The Return of Merlin
Douglas Coupland- Microserfs, Shampoo Planet, Polariods from the Dead, Girlfriend in a Coma, Generation X,
Wade Davis- The Serpent & the Rainbow, The Clouded Leopard,
Frederick Lenz- Surfing the Himalayas, Snowboarding to Nirvana,
& of course.........Sports Illustrated!
Well, as you can see, I read a lot. It's something that I am really looking forward to being able to do at our new place in North Vancouver. We've got this great patio with big french doors, and it's south facing with sun all day. I'll be able to come home from work and curl up in a lawn chair and lose myself into my stack of books that I still have to get to. I usually have a pile of 4-5 in "que" for me to read. I buy them faster than I can read them. I can't wait to move.
Speaking of which....... I'm actually moving 50 kilometers away from the city I've grown up in. Scary. I'm a little freaked out. Krista and I really are starting a new chapter in our life together. We'll be a fair ways away from our parents and families, which really changes things alot. Truely on our own. Money is going to be REALLY tight for the next 6 months. But we'll survive. One thing I've noticed, and learned since moving out 2 years ago, is that it really is easy to have fun without spending an arm & a leg on a night out. It's new about people, and relationships, and conversation.
Ramble........ramble.......ramble........
We've been biking lots lately, (or trying to bike lots anyways) I forgot how much easier biking is than running. Way easier on my knees. I'm getting old, fat, and sore very quickly these days. The move should help though. I'll be able to go hiking and biking on weekends, as well as running/jogging during the week on the giant hills on the North Shore. Hopefully.
Well, what else to talk about...........not much left in my brain.
To my buds.......don't worry, I've been there too. Things worked out great for me. But Regardless of the outcome, life goes on, and where ever your path leads, is where you should go. Don't dwell on the past, just look at what's in front of you, if you look back or forward, you'll miss whats right in front of you. And that's the only thing not worth missing.
Signing off.......
S.
April 30th, Year 2000
Ok, here it is.....the big news. I've been to transfered to the West Vancouver store, Park Royal to be specific. And Krista and I are going to be moving to North Vancouver in late June. I'm moving to the other side of the lower mainland. I was in shock for the first two days. But I've started to open up to it a bit more. I'll be REALY close to the wilderness and bike trails and the waterfront. And it's a beautiful area. I need to be near water, trees, and mountains. It's where my energy comes from. So I'll be more lively on a consistant basis. I get a big raise, and promotion. I'm climbing within the company faster than was expected. So that's good obviously. But the bad points are.......far away from my Mom & family. Far away from my friends. Not that see them all that often, but it's nice to know that they are nearby. Especially since I just started to talk to some of my best friends of my life. "The Guys". I'll be leaving my hometown, everything I know. Not that it's a huge cross-country move, but it will be across three bridges, and quite honestly, a really different place than Richmond. I'm deading it, but also really looking forward to the adventure. I've been excruciatingly bored with things for awhile now. I don't have the means to travel right now (or for awhile really), so this might be a real spirit booster.
Anyone want to help us move???? Beer, and pizza, and more beer????
Wedding stuff is cool right now too. As I already mentioned, the invitations went out last week, and we've been getting some RSVP's back too. So far 5, FIVE, of my side aren't coming. Can you believe that??? I don't have much family anyways!! Actually I'm still above 30 on my side, but I still hope my friends can come so I'm not spending most of the day repeating "hi, nice to meet you.....and you are?.........well thank you for coming.....".
So far I believe tthe rough-plan for stag weekend is this.............Round of Golf first thing Saturday morning, a few beers at the "19th" hole afterwards, split-up till dinner somewhere, then out to drink ourselves stupid and party till I can't walk anymore in the evening, plus maybe wake-up in another province if things go REALLY well! Anybody interested, let me know, no-one will be refused!
I need to buy a truck soon. My car won't survive West Vancouver. Too many hills. I think I'm going to park my sports car at my Parents place, and drive a new Jeep or Pick-up truck. Then in the summer, run my Fiero for fun on weekends. Top-down, windows out, and stereo blaring!!!!
I've (sorry, WE'VE) pick our wedding song. It took a damn year to find something. But it was right where I thought it might be. It's secret so no one will find out till we dance the night away. But don't try and guess, it's new, and most people don't even know I like this particular type of music.
I think I'm out of stuff to say. I start out in West Van tommorrow. I'll check in tto let ya'll know how it goes.
Oh, by the way.....Duff - nice update to the site, looks great!
S.
April 25th, Year 2000
You wouldn't actually think that I'd get TWO updates done in a month would you???? Well, none the less, here it is, another update for all you web-geeks.....
Our wedding invitations went out three or four days ago, (no turning back now...) so those of you who recieve them, remember to RSVP, so I can make sure you get fed. Actually maybe don't RSVP, that way I won't have to pay for it!!! Things are really coming together, a bunch of the details have been taken care of and we're just sort of waiting. If anyone has any ideas on a good "first dance" song, please let me know. I have over 350 CD's and I still can't find anything good. Scary. I'll be decked out in a sharp looking tuxedo from Classy Tuxedos. With a black vest and shiny shoes. The "guys" will be in tux's with dark silver-grey vests. Should be cool. I'm dyeing my hair blonde again right before the wedding. Trying to go back to the surfer look. No goatee though. Krista would kill me!
PEARL JAM has a new album out next month, here's Billboard's BINUARAL Review. I can't wait for it to come out. C-FOX is holding a private concert at the Commadore Ballroom to kick off the new tour, you can only win tickets, I've know ALL of the stupid trivia answers, but haven't been able to get though to the station at all. Sucks.
Rumor has it that STP (Stone Temple Pilots) will be coming here this summer too.
Well, big charges for my little brother these days as well. he bought a car, AND moved out since the last update. He bought my cousin's Honda Civic for $2500. Cute little car. Lots of miles on it, but it's his first car. Good for him. And now just 3 days ago, he moved out. Him, Ali (his girlfriend) and his best friend Shawn, moved into an apartment in Richmond. Nice little place. Scary building. But clean, and hey.....good for him.
Onto work. I am being transfered and promoted at General Paint. I won't be at the Blundell store anymore. I don't know where they're sending me, but I am being promoted to 2IC (second in charge), basically, manager-in training. I'm hoping to be close enough to home that I can bike to work. I'm gonna steal my brother's Kona mountain bike for the summer. I should have my company's web page up soon WILD PAINTING & DECORATING. It will have pictures of work and projects I've done, as well as specs on products I use, as well as samples of Faux Finishing I've been working on. Check back soon.
What else is goin' on.......ah! Ballroom dancing, I can now Waltz, and Jive. Not that well mind you, but I can do them none-the-less. And Krista is enjoying herself, so it's good.
Well, it's now 1:30 am, and I need to sleep soon. (only after an hour of playing THE SIMS, of course) I'll talk to ya all soon,
S.
March 18th, Year 2000.
Well. Howdy! It.s been nearly a year between entries. Sorry. I was inspired today I suppose. Life has been pretty damn good for quite awhile now. I started this journal as a kind of cartharthic, soul-searching, type of activity. But it can fall by the wayside when things are going well. But I am going to try to update more often otherwise. Lots of stuff to talk about, weddings, friends, parents, siblings, work.........lots.
First, work. I no longer work for College Pro Painting. I recinded my franchise and started up my own smaller company. WILD PAINTING & DECORATING. I do work soley on a referal basis. Better customer basis, more flexibility, easyer to work with. In addition to that, I also work for GENERAL PAINT, the paint manufacturer. I work in the stores as a CSR. I should be a store manager in about a year. Things are going well in this department. Never making enough money, but I certainly have found something I enjoy doing, and feel somewhat fullfilled from. And isn't that what we're all looking for anyways?!
Secondly, lets more on to my upcoming wedding, oops, WEDDING. It should be capitals shouldn't it! (sorry Krista!) The big day is on July 22nd, 2000. I won't putthe venue or time up on the web 'cause we don't want any of you freaky, lonely web-geeks crashing the party! :-) Other than that, I can't really say much without ruining the surprise. Planning the whole deal has pretty much fallen onto Krista shoulders, I don't mind doing any of it, but my idea of a perfect wedding and hers are probably a little different. Invatations will go out in about a month. 125 fuckin' people!!!! I don't even know all their names!! AND WE COULD HAVE INVITED 200!!!! Smal fortune. I need a small fortune. Soon. Anyways, the planning hasn't driven Krista and I apart, thank god. We've have vastly different tastes in everything, but we've seem to be able to compromise and agree as long as we put our heads together.
Let's talk about freinds. I played in a basketball tourney yesterday with Duff & Steve. Yes, the ReignMen are back. keeping in mind that I haven't talked or seen Steve in at least a year, and probably no more that 3-4 times in the last 2-3 years. And I've only been talking to Duff again since September. Not only that, but I haven't touched a ball in over a year, probably two. Well, we got along really well. Didn't bitch at each other, didn't feel any friction between anyone. it was a lot of fun. I hope we can start hanging out again. I also think it helped a lot that our girlfriends were with us. The women tend to keep us from postuering and getting to big-headed. I was really nervous about playing again. I figured I would have any offence what-so-ever, and I would have to work really hard on defence just to keep up. But I though I rebounded quite well most of the tourney, and played solid defence. I only lost my focus on 'D' momentarily a couple of times. The problem was that my body just isn't what it used to be. I've put on 20 pounds (yes, guys.....20 pounds) since the last competitive ball I played. And my muscles just aren't conditioned for B-ball. I'd really like to start playing more often. It felt great. What did come as huge surprise was my shooting and offensive awareness. I caught fire a a couple of times, and shot a fairly high percentage. I don't really remember missing to much, and usually I just jack the shots up. Steve still frusterates me, but he is so good now, that it prety much doesn't matter if he pisses me off. He seems to hit the shots easily now. If I could just teach him the jump-hook!!! Duff is his usual self, tenacious defender, ugly shooter. But still hits the shots he needs to. I think he might have lost a step on defence, usually he picks up a lot of steals, and NEVER gets beat off the dribble. But he could also be hurting from his quad muscle. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. We played as a team, good crisp passing, sensed where each other was before we moved. Fun. BETTER than old times. If we could just defend the three pointers. We'll play again soon.
What elsse can we talk about....mmmmmm. Parents, brother, Music.... Yeah, music! PEARL JAM HAS A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT!!! It'll be released in May. Then a North American tour in the fall. Yes I will be going if it kills me. I got engaged at the last one in Seattle. The album is call BINURAL. I can't fucking wait!!
Well, my hands are getting tired from all this typing. Check back soon for more updates and entries. I promise I'll start doing this more!! Bye for now.
S.
April 3rd 1999
Well. I'm really getting married. Yup. For real. I think it hit me about a week ago. I'm not sure why, but it did. I am happy about it. Just hadn't actually sunk in till recently.
It gorgeous outside right now. Sunny, warm (kinda) and there's birds chirping and.............ok so I'm not so good at this descripive thing. But in anycase, it's really nice out. Maybe I can start to feel normal again.
I am so unbelieveable a sunshine person. For as long as I can remember, since I was like....short. I have always been a nicer, energenic, positive, outgoing, happier person in the spring and summer. And in the fall and winter I am depresed, boring, lazy, and generally not so much a happy person to be around. I'm like a plant. Photosynthisis or something. (one of the few things I remember from 12 years of science in school) Except I'm not turning more green!
I have to start my painting business this summer without a vehicle. I need to work for a week or two just to get so money to get it running. (I owe ICBC a ton of $$$, plus parking tix and a tuneup) Anyone want to buy an 20 year old rusty Ford Econoline with a lien on it????? Anyone??? Anyone at all??? Please?
I am all by myself for 3 whole days. Me and an empty apartment for three lonely days. Krista went to the Island with her parents to visit her grandparents & family. I stayed in town 'cause I need to work to much as usual. Is it a bad thing that I am actually enjoying myself? It's not that I don't miss her, I DO. Lots. But I have to say, this is kinda nice. Quiet. Do what I want, when I want. Eat what I want. Sleeping sucks though. It's amazing how much I'v gotten used to haveing another person beside me when I sleep. Not even touching or anything, just having another another warm mass nearby. It's comforting. The other part is shitty too......waking up. Can't do it! I have come to rely on Krista poking and yelling at me to wake up in the morning as my alarm clock. I went to set it last night and could remember how for a few seconds, it's been THAT long since I used it. AND on top of that I slept in today.
I think that is the basis of all relationships. Forgot love and security and all that stuff. All we want from a partner is for them to become our own human appliances.
I think I have to clean the apartment tonight. It's a total mess. And it's not even my fault. My stuff is neat scattered around my desk. her stuff is everywhere. But alas, I must clean to apease the dutchess....... :-) Actually It's not that bad, I just have to tidy my stuff up a little. The two biggest things are laundry, and Krista's school stuff. So it's not like I can really do too much damage here. There's not enough room to totally fuck things up.
I was informed last week by Krista that she gave an old friend the address of this site and specifically this section of my website, so that he could get to know me a little. OH MY GOD!!!!!! What was she thinking? This is place for my semi-psycotic brain to fart in private to the completly annonomous Cyberpublic! NOT PEOPLE I MAY HAVE MEET ONE DAY!!! Christ! I come off like a complete nutcase in the thing. Man, I may have to rethink this web diary thing....naw, I kinda like the idea of people being freaked out at me.
Just don't take to seriously. Ok?
We all have a dark side, mine just likes to share itself with computer nerds. (oh, wait, I'm a semi-cpu-nerd now myself)
God what a change since Highschool. I was a typical jock. What happened? Why couldn't I have gotten a brain DURING highschool, not after it. Geez, I always do things backwards don't I?
Gotta run, food is burning........
January 14th 1999
I'm back.
Isn't that what Michael Jordan said when he returned 4 years ago? Yup. Well, yesterday he said.....I'm gone. Very depressing, I'm not happy.
I start a new job on Monday. Shipper for TRISEAL PLASTICS LTD. in Richmond. Just a temp job for a few months till painting starts up again. Should be fun. They're paying me damn well too. Too bad I didn't find this one a year from now. I could use a steady job to pay for the wedding. It's gonna cost at least $10,000. Minimum. I have no fucking clue how we're gonna pay for this. But we'll find a way either way. I think we're going to be having it here in the lower mainland instead of the island like we had been thinking. Prices here are very similar if not cheaper for some venues. I'm pushing for a golf course, 18 holes before the ceremory! Seriously. Anyone who wants to join the group in morning....let me know!! A little wagering will definately be going on!
I need marketers for the next three months, anyone want a job?
I'll have my car running, and insured by the start of February. Finally! I am so sick of driving that stupid truck!
I'm going to get another tattoo at the start of February. I have no idea what it will be, but I am getting another one. Probably the Maple Leaf design I made a while back. I don't know. Maybe a buddist phrase or something too.
I have a painting contract coming up in February. Ted and I will be doing it. It's an apartment with 20 ft. vaulted ceilings and a loft. Should be worth about $1500. Not bad for 3-4 days work. Although I have no idea how we're gonna get scaffolding into an apartment. I guess I should get my sprayer fixed too.
I'm kinda bored, gotta run. I'm have more to say soon.......maybe.
Oh yeah, the "50 Things to Before I Die" section was updated today. Enjoy.
November 17th 1998
WOW! Two entries in one whole month. You can guess why though......yup, no work right now. It'll change soon enough, got rent to pay, and Visa to re-pay. Things always work out.
I'm going to Grouse Mountain this weekend. College Pro has rented a cabin, and we (returning managers) are all heading up for a training session. Yes, that means getting drunk for 80% of the time. Nice perk to the job huh?
NEW PEARL JAM LIVE ALBUM only seven short days away! From what I've heard, it just an awesome disc. Can't wait.
I have to go to the bank soon (this week). I am asking "very nicely" for about roughly $7000. Ain't life grand? (or in this case....seven grand) I am consolidating my debts. Now see why I need a work soon?
If you haven't noticed, you are at a whole new web-site address. Internet Direct is upgrading their servers, so I moved to the new one, more space, easier to upload/download, plus 5 extra e-mail address's. Good deal. If I have the time over the holidays, I will re-design the MYLIFE sections, as well as some basic cosmetic changes to the opening page. Check back in December for any changes.
Despite the hell I went through last summer with my company, I really am looking forward to the upcoming season. I've got a completely different plan this time, and it should work out much better. (ie. more profitable!)
Living with someone is totally different than what I had expected. Not better, not worse. Just way different. Maybe I'll touch on that in future entries. I'm like completely domestic now. I would scare most of my friends (former & current). Don't think anyone expected me to be a Mr. Mom type of guy. In fact most people probably don't know that when Krista & I have kids, I (and I think, we...) plan on staying home with the kid(s) for a few years instead of the wife. I know, I know. What a wuss! But let's put it this way.......If your wife was a highly educated, professional, with the earnings power in the range of $45,000 to $200,000. What would you do? Actually that isn't the reason. It sure as hell doesn't hurt at all! But the really reason is that I love kids. And I think the one thing that I want to happen in my life now matter what else, is that I want to be a great Dad, and I want to be around lots, for them to somehow become little Scott-clones.....just kidding. I have a really good idea of the benifiets that having a great, supportive set of parents, even more....am involved set of parents can have on a child. I mean, look at me!! (stop laughing!)
Can you tell that I am in a much better head-space than say 8 months ago?? :-)
Gotta sleep, more later.
November 9th 1998
Just don't seem to have much to say lately. One of the things that effects the frequency of entries, is my employment situation. I work to much so I don't get to sit and think and write to often. Plus I don't have the time to come up with many problems when I'm busy.
I want my car back on the road. I hate driving the fucking van. I REALLY miss my car. It'll be different through. Going from a 1 ton Ford Econoline Van, to a pavement licking sportscar is like elephants and mice. I'll be nice to have music while driving as well. One can only sing the same song over and over again so many times before you want to throw yourself out the window....
New Alanis Morrisette CD hasn't grown on me yet. The last one took about 4-5 listens to finally sound good, but this new one just doesn't have it. She's just not angry enough........ :-)
Here is a review of the PEARL JAM concert in July, that I got engaged at. SEATTLE '98
(During 'Betterman', and YES I do know that the song is about abusive relationships, but it has other meanings too)
PJ has a live album from the '98 tour coming out soon. Release date: November 24th. It's called "LIVE ON TWO LEGS" I can't wait for it. Hopefully there will be a new studio album by March or April.
I can't believe that I'm actually moved out. Mind you, the engaged/getting married thing wasn't exactly expected either, but shit........I have my own place! I wouldn't mind a little more space though. I have a loft, but it's a bit too small. 700 square feet. Won't make a load of difference in the spring and summer, I'll be out of the apartment around 7am and home around 10pm everyday. Oh, the life of a CPP manager.
I've fallen back into the pattern of sleeping in, and staying up too late. For instance, it is now 3:44am. But I'll probably work for at least 7 hours tommorrow. Just weird hours.
Well, I should probably get some sleep now.........until next time!
October 4th 1998
Hmmm.......
I'm engaged. I'm living in my own loft. I don't have a Jeep. I am broke. I am not back to school. I'm better than I have been in quite some time.
Lot can happen in 3 months can't it? Surprise!
Not much coming out of my head right now, but I'll post some brain spasms soon. Believe me, I have some doosies!!
Till then, see ya!
June 25th 1998
Holy shit.
Life just likes to play with me. I think I am basically....A Slinky of the gods. A play thing for the all mighty powers that be. Basically, to catch people up with things. I just had about 4-5 months of total brain spasms and heart ache. And where am I now? Where I had almost (not quite, only almost) given up on getting to again. Thank you to which ever one of you up there is having so much fun. I haven't broken yet. SO HAHA! 'Nuff said.
Well, onto more important things I still have no money. I am still a stress case from work. And I may just flip out again sometime soon. Luckily, it'll be for different reasons. On the bright side though, I haven't been able to cope with this much and not snap in a very long time. I think we all know why though. Thank you to that person.
I went to the NBA DRAFT on Wednesday. Another dream fullfilled. One small change though, I was supposed to be IN the draft. You know, just finished 4 years at UNC, playing for the TARHEELS. Just won 4 straight NCAA Championships. Then drafted #1 by the Grizzlies or Bulls. Sign a multimillion dollar contract. All that stuff. Only it didn't really work out that way.
I stopped playing ball competetivly last year. Never played for a University (Kwantlen is NOT a university!). Went to the draft as a fan. Good enough.............almost.
Message to KW: Leave me a dream or two for me to hold onto would you!!! PLEASE!!!!????
Seriously, does anybody want their house painted? I REALLY need the work right now.........
I like beer again. I stopped drinking about 3 months ago. Started to get out of hand again. But I've started enjoying the odd beer every now and then. Don't have to have like 10 to enjoy it. Nice problem eh?
Just like last year, I'm going to Seattle to see Pearl Jam again!!!! YAHOO! This is like an annual trip. Here is a review of the show last year: http://mypage.direct.ca/s/smoye/pj.html It's a small review of the show. Nothing compares to seeing them live. Doesn't matter if you're a fan or not. NO ONE can not get caught up in it. It's that powerful. I swear.
In fact. Here is a run down of the new album YIELD. This is the review that I wish came with the album. It captures how powerful the music is, and how it moves you. http://www.fivehorizons.com/songs/feb98/index.html Please read this everyone. It's worth it. I swear you'll want to listen to the album once you read this.
You'd think I was a preacher or something. :-)
Well, that's it for now. I don't really have a heck of a lot going or in me head right now. At least nothing important enough to write about. See ya.
April 7th 1998
Well. I've finally flipped out. I'm in therapy now. Can you believe it? Me. Seeing a shrink. Actually, I haven't gone yet. But I have an appointment. Work, life, home, everything has finally kicked me too hard. So, I'm off to see a head doctor. Nice.
On the bright side of things, my company is looking decent now, I've got $18,000 booked right now. So that's about a month and a half of work. Only $54,000 to go.......
Anyone want a job? I'm hiring. I need 4 more people. ANYBODY? You'll get a tan.....pay sucks, but it's outside, and it's fun! Really!
I'm buying a 1998 Jeep TJ in August. Dark blue, or black. I haven't decided yet.
Life still sucks, but at least I'm not drinking anymore. (I'm too medicated to drink)
March 25th 1998
Reality bites. Simple. People suck. I can't wait to be old.
Aren't I pleasant? Just a bundle of joy. Positively glowing with cheer. Well, as a wise man once said, "happiness is what occurs in your breaks from reality".
I seem to write here only when I'm absolutely fucking bored, depressed, angry, or just plain indifferent about life itself. You know.......during reality.
I got my new pager for work today. Those of you who know me personally can now send me funky text messages on it. It's an alphnumeric pager. Really neat. 7 fucking buttons. My last one had 1 button. Technology.........who needs it?
Got my truck too. Big ass, bright yellow, '79 Ford Econoline van. Runs on propane. It's name is: "The big yellow bomb". It anything hits it..........Richmond will blow up. I swear it will! But it's funny looking, and I like it. So fuck it!
Can't wait for May 3rd. I start production. Money starts coming in instead of just going out. I am well beyond fucked in terms of debt. With a credit line of $4500, personal loan of $2000, company credit of $3000, plus my own personal spending habits to deal with, I AM BROKE!
That and I REALLY need things to pick up soon. Eight hours a day of painting, 2-3 hours of estimates, and lots of paper work will get my head to stop spinning. Otherwise I'm gonna drink myself into a coma. I've taken a fairly nice break from it this week, but it'll come back and I'll be pouring Rye, and beer down my throat. Fun for a while, but it gets to be a problem if I do it for more than a few days in a row. Weekends are the worst. Luckily I've been working out a little more, so my system isn't on 100 % crash mode, only about 50 % of the time. Ain't life grand???
I'm going FAR, FAR away in September. No one is going to know where I am heading. But I am disappearing for at least two months. Gone. Need to figure out how to deal with humans again. What it comes down to is...if something matters, it will hurt you. Simple as that.
I AM SO HAPPY!
Remember to smile......
February 25th 1998
Ever wondered at what point would you lose touch with reality? How far would you drop before you couldn't handle it anymore? I used to. I remember watching the news, or 20/20, or some other TV program while they would be doing a story on suicide, and depression, and stuff like that. I used to think to my self..."christ, they must be so god-damn fucked-up. How can you seriouly hit rock bottom, and not look anywhere but up?" I used to think stuff like that was for weak, idiots without common sense.
Well, in the last month or so, I have come about as close as I have ever been to that type of desperation. It scares the shit out of me. I wasn't suicidal. But I thinkk it was something that was very close to it. How could I ever feel like that? I've been trying to figure that out. I never meant for my inner strength to become so reliant upon anything but itself. Yet it happened. I think that is major point of where some of my confusion is coming from. If something matters that much, how can it be all that wrong?
This is a pretty heavy entry. Welcome back to my world. Even I haven't been here in a while. I had to get it out though. It's strange how at my unhappiest, most lost and confused times are the times when I am the most cretive and introsepctive.
Nothing but questions.....
January 26th 1998
Hmm, this computer thing is neat. I kinda forgot about it for about a year. Actually, life was going really well for about a year and a half. Now things have gotten kinda confusing again. So, what do I do.......start writing again. It's cathartic ya know?
Fill ya in on me over the last 6 monthes. I'm now an entrprenuer. I own my own business. Scary huh? I am now the proud owner of the CPP Richmond Franchise. House painting for all of you that are new to my little existance. My car is paid off. But it barely works as always. I'm kinda debt free. I owe my parents a ton of money at the end of the year (1998). I am possibly a completely different person from this time last year. A better person though, but real different.
As for the confusing part of my life right now.....well, it was the one thing that I counted on for support and stability in my life. I can't get into details. But I have a lot of free time between now and March. I have to get my shit together in two short, but painfully long seeming months. It's really difficult when a part of you torn away for no reason, or at least no reason that you can figure out. When things are really out of your hands, it's very difficult to stay positive and motivated. It's what I have to do though. Big test. Have to see if I can make it. Biggest test actually.
I just realized that there's actually only one other person who knows what I'm talking about here. Kinda vague to everyone else. Sorry.
Pearl Jam has a new album out next week. I can't wait. It's sort of really good timing. PJ's music has gotten me through some really tough times. I could really use some solice that it gives me right now.
Other thing, I have a tattoo now! I got it on the 21st of January. I got it because I had to do something for myself, that was only for me. I've wanted one for 5-6 years, but I never had the money or the reason to just go and do it. Plus I had been convinced not to by someone. Time for a "me" thing. It's an Eye of Ra. An Egyptian symbol for the God of Sun. Kind of fitting isn't it? I hate the cold, and winter. I'm a much nicer, happier person in summer. It's on my lower back, above the waist line, on the left side. It's a beautiful custom design that I partially created. My Mom hates it, and my Dad loves it.
Well time to go, promise I'll be back soon though.
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© Flying Blind Inc. Year 2000
Last Updated: May 20th, Year 2000