If you are easily offended, please don't read any further. You are certain to find something here to be offended about. This page either now contains, has at one time contained, or someday will contain: partial nudity, toilet humor, the "F" word as well as other 4 letter words, displays of political incorrectness including but not limited to: sexist jokes, lawyer jokes, politician jokes, fundamentalist jokes and Microsoft jokes (Although I wonder if that last one isn't somewhat redundant). And a few other things that have made me smile...
Please be advised: I'm not a bigot, a sexist, an anarchist, a communist, or a Republican. I'm not a homophobe, a technophobe, a misogynist, an athiest, or an anti-semite. I have no axe to grind with anyone, (except maybe for really dumb, mean people) The stuff on this page made me laugh, and I share it with you freely, should you choose to continue reading despite this warning, and subsequently take offense, please accept my sincere condolences for having such a tiny mind.
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing
when your mouth's a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it
are two entirely different propositions.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd,
take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness
to a critter or to a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman -
Neither one works.
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
I wonder how they answer the phone...
LESS FAMOUS PROVERBS
1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
6. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted and then used against you.
10. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
11. Honk if you love peace & quiet.
12. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
13. If you're not supposed to put Q-tips in your ears, then what the hell are they for?
14. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
15. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
16. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
17. The things that come to those who wait are usually
the things left by those who got there first.
18. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
19. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
20. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
and finally. . .
21. What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
When you have an "I hate my life " day, I try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am SO glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
In these serious and interesting times our societies are currently experiencing, I feel that it's extremely important for inteligent people of ALL faiths to never forget and to always keep in mind the following:
Four Absolute Religious Truths:
1. Muslims will never recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews will never recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants will never recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Born Again Christian will never recognize each other at Hooters.
Subject: New definitions
The Washington Post recently (actually it was years ago) (actually, it seems to be an annual contest, at least people keep sending copies or exerpts from it to me every year or two with the same old words, and the occasional addition.) published a contest in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
- (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- (adj) impotent
- (n) a humorous question on an exam.
- (n) a rapidly receding hairline.
- (n) a person who is coughed upon.
- (n) an olive-flavored mouthwash.
- (v) to walk with a lisp.
- (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
- (n) pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
- (n) the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
- (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
- (n) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
- (n) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
They also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.
Here are some of the winners:
- (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
- (n) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
- (n) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- (n) Vandalism... spray-painted very high.
- (n) Terminal coolness.
- (n) The color you turn when you find half a worm in the apple you are eating.
- (n) A grueling event involving spending an entire day doing ONLY things that are good for you.
- (n) The substance surrounding dumb people that stops ideas from penetrating.
- (n) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
- (v) To take coffee intravenously.
- (n) A degenerate disease.
- (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
- (n) All talk and no action.
- Dopeler effect
- (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- (n) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- (n) A person who's both stupid and an assh*le.
And, best of all...
Some people are wondering how we wound up short of oil this year.
The answer is simple: Nobody bothered to check it.
They didn't know we were running low.
And of course the reason for this is geographical. . .
All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
A: With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.
but we've been asked to post this photo
demonstrating the proper starting position and
stance(note the straight back) for doing penis-
curls. Don't start with this much weight...
Question for all you extra bright folk out there:
I had a hamburger at McDonalds recently and happened
to look at the package it was in. It said "33% recycled paper"
and then beneath that: "15% post-consumer content."
Does anyone have any idea what that is?
In particular, is it still referring to the paper,
or to the hamburger?
The purpose of this memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 0900 there will be a meeting in which I will display MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, our software engineers have not addressed the networking aspects yet, so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I have noticed, however, that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me, "I'm nervous; I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time, and when we were done she admitted that it was relatively painless and that she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know that there are some concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with our business, so, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MIASS.
The program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during
recent OSHA, ISO, EPA and FDA audits. After requesting certain historical
data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided
the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly,
our Environmental Manager proudly stated, "Simple -- I just pulled them
out of MIASS."
Heralds don't pun. They cant.
One fine morning in Eden, God went looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them.
Later in the day God came upon Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is she now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself."
"Damn," says God, "Now all the fish are gonna smell funny."
Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest standards of quality and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We are trying to give our employees more SHIT than any other employer.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the job, please see your Nickie. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and she is specially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle. Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT SHIT).
Since our managers took their fair share of SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already. If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a career in management. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL SHIT). Those who are full of BULLSHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensive Programs (DIP SHIT).
If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT).
Have you heard? The New Ford diesel pick-ups are coming from the
factory with heated tailgates as standard equipment - -
so your ass doesn't get cold while you wait for the tow truck.
You've heard about "military intelligence", "advanced BASIC", "diet
ice cream", "plastic glasses", "well-preserved ruins", "genuine imitation",
"plastic silverware", "government organization", "working vacation",
"clearly misunderstood", and "synthetic natural gas", but what about
"act naturally", "business ethics", "peace force", "new classic", "legally
drunk", "found missing", "exact estimate", "Government Worker",
"almost exactly", "religious tolerance", "Airline food", or "taped
live?" My personal favorites are "tight slacks", "marijuana Initiative",
and my all-time favorite - "Microsoft Works".
No automotive site would be complete without a bunch of automotive acronyms.
There are about a million of them referring to cars and most of them are pretty dumb,
but here are a few of my favorites:
Asia's Curse Upon Rural Americans
Automotive Unsafe Designs, Inc.
Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
Break My Windows
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Fix It Again, Tony
Friggin' Idiot Assembled This
Failure In Automotive Technology
First On Recall Day
Found On Road, Dead
For Old Retired Dudes
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Flip Over - Read Directions
F*cked-Over Rebuilt Desoto
Freaking Owner Really Dumb
Helping Other Nips Destroy America
Hope You Understand, Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
Idiot Retard, Out Cruising
Just Empty Every Pocket
Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
Might Go, Backwards
Now In Some Shitty Automotive Nightmare
Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon
Swedish Auto, Always Broken
Stupid, Arrogant, Asshole Baby
The One You Ought To Avoid
This Really Is Unreliable, Man - Please Help!
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
And the all time best one,
the truest acronym of them all,
the one that really says it all
about a certain manufacturer,
my personal favorite,
is this one: