World's Wackiest Domestic Disputes(Friday, Fox) Hidden camera footage of real-life domestic disputes provides big laughs, thrills.
Albrecht to attempt "lingerie diplomacy"
(Washington) With Middle East tensions threatening to erupt into a full-scale conflict, U.S. President Bill Clinton dispatched Secretary of State Madelaine Albrecht into the area on what observers have termed "a mission of lingerie diplomacy." Clad in a towel bearing the Presidential seal and dripping water everywhere, Clinton took a moment from a high-level briefing to update reporters on the diplomacy measures. Regarding Clinton's attire, aides were quick to explain that the President and top staffers regularly conduct briefings of great importance in the President's hot-tub in order to keep tension to a minimum.
In an unprecedented move, Albrecht will sport a see-through blue negligee, black stockings and garters when she meets with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and Isreali Prime Minister Ehud Barak to discuss a possible Mid-East peace deal. Citing the need to diffuse any hostile language among the leaders that might thwart the talks, Clinton maintained that Albrecht's sexy attire will provide the impetus to keep the leaders at the bargaining table. "Maddy's a very sexy woman and if her sexiness... her feminine grace and charm can enhance stability in the region, then I say let's go that route. I mean, did you see that blue, frilly number? Hell, I get wood just thinking about it." Clinton quickly departed without answering reporters' questions, citing a previously scheduled three-o'clock rubdown.
Canadian Senator honoured
(Ottawa) Senators and their attendant nurses took a moment to honour one of their own yesterday as Liberal Senator C.W. Dufferfill marked his seventy-fifth anniversary as a sitting senator.
Highlights included a handwritten note on official government stationery from Prime Minister Jean Chretien which was read aloud in the Chamber. "W.C. Duffelbag is a great Canadian - a man whose advice and intellect I often seek when I'm making those great big decisions. Set the vcr for the Canadiens game. Pick up cat-food." While the awkward latter remarks were later attributed to a reminder the P.M. had jotted to himself, most of the Senators appeared not to notice, and even prompted a rousing speech from Conservative Senator Jean-Guy Tourette praising the determined play of retired Canadiens forward Jean Beliveau." Following the tribute, the Senators retired for a three-hour mid-afternoon snooze.
Depleting ozone layer has sunscreen manufacturer giddy about increased sales
A report released Wednesday that shows that the hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica is growing at an alarming rate has scientists worried that large population centers could soon suffer epidemics of skin cancer. Not everyone is viewing the depleting ozone with alarm, however, as evidenced by Lizardtone president Chad Tabworth's response when told of the recent news. "It's growing? Gosh, that's fantastic," Tabworth exclaimed when reached by telephone. "I mean, in one respect it sucks I guess, but, boy, news like this really brings the orders in, let me tell ya." The sunscreen manufacturer was quick to point out that depleting levels of ozone don't mean that one can still not work to get that bronzed look. "Tell your readers to swath themselves in plenty of Lizardtone and they'll be fine." Tabworth recommends that those who wish to sunbathe in future ozone-depleted areas might want to use a Lizardtone product in the 750 to 1200 spf range should they desire a tan not unlike the blonde woman pictured here only for the purposes of an example.
This Week's TV Highlights
The McLaughlin Group(Sunday, PBS) Cindy Margolis fills in for regular host John McLaughlin. Guests Kid Rock, Britney Spears, and Judge Judy discuss socio-political issues.